I tot I would never blog about this but I guess one way of me to release the tense is through blogging.
World knows (cewahhh rasa retisss...) that I am a first time mom. There are so many things that I dont know and still learning. Or I tot I knew or read it before but still when I had to face it, it still hard for me to deal with. I notice that the first week up till now I would be in stress mode at least once a day.I would cry or sink into my own depression wall. The absence of B made things worst for me. I know it's not healthy but worry not, I'm trying to deal with this as positive as possible.
My stress level started off when I learnt that my baby had his first taste of milk not from his mom but a formula. using bottle. The first day of his arrival I cried and begged for my baby to be sent to me. The nurse wanted me to rest plus I puked constantly after the surgery and needed to rest. When Muhaimin was brought to me I was too weak to get up and breastfeed him. I know back then how important the first contact between mom's breast and the baby and was very worried he would resent the original nipple. And I only started producing milk after the 5th day which means the first 4 days Muhaimin was given FM. T___T And my worry becomes reality. Till today he refuses me. I tried all sorts of position to breastfeed him, tried to calm him but in the end both of us became frustrated. He would shrill till his face turned super red and that's when I gave in. Sayu hati tengok anak nangis macam tu.... But then, if you are not able to do what a mother should do, it makes you feel like you are the worst mother in the world. And i'm feeling that every second....
Next is....on the 5th day also jaundice decided to dropped by. I guess it's because he didnt get the world bestest milk. His reading started off at 11.1 but the next day escalated to 12.8 and the highest was 13.8. I was under a lot of pressure on those days because the only cure is mom's milk and I was not producing much. and with him refusing the nipple..... But yesterday the reading fell to 9.9 which is a relieve to both B and I. But he still looks a bit yellow-ish.
another one is the remaining of umbilical cord is still there. usually it would fall in 3-5 days but Muhaimin's still around and today is already the 11th day. But it is showing sign to drop anytime soon. I know he doesnt feel any pain but it pains me to see that still hanging there. Ngeri @.@
and of course the pain and the itch I'm having right now. With the surgery I had I need to rest most of the time. But taking care of a heavy baby is not easy where I have to carry him, nurse him, coo him, clean him most of the time. Mom and Umi really help a lot but there were times they were not available and I had to do it myself. So till today, I still feel the pain once in a while and without pain killer, it could be tiring.
I need sleep. hehe And I need my hubby. I need him to hug me and tell me all these will pass. Now I totally understand why some mothers would fall into post-partum depression. I'm praying hard I wont get into it and try to be as positive as possible. InsyaAllah
Mommy will be strong for you so you be strong for mommy too ok Munchkin!
