Friday, November 21, 2014

I fell in love over and over again

I was lifting Minmin from my bed to put him into his own cot just few minutes ago. I stopped for a moment and just stared at him. I used to hold him like that in my arms when he was much a baby. I stared at his face scrutinizing every details. From the nose and below, he got the features from me. The nose, the lips and the chin. I watched his chest moved when he inhaled and exhaled. Then my eyes moved to study his bottom. He's grown so much as both his legs extend longer than he was a baby.

Minmin physical now resembles a little boy than a baby. He is tall, definitely he didnt get the gene from the midget me. Hehe my baby has grown.

I am so melancholic tonight. Watching my baby i gave birth more than a year ago grows so much. I guess all mothers experience the same thing too. We feel like they grow too fast.

I'm not sure for others but for me motherhood came bit by bit to me. As much as i wanted to be like those moms i saw on tv or read in the novels, i struggled my way through motherhood for the first year. I experienced baby blues the first few weeks Minmin arrived. Then the struggle to breastfeed him which in the end i failed, then came the endless cycle of pumping for milk, Minmin refusal for frozen EBM so I had to depend on chilled ebm drown me into mild depression. And of course my husband was away most of the time though he tried to cheer from far but it wasnt the same to be physically close tho.hehe maybe i was being a baby. Maybe I was a baby who had another baby when i was not ready. Funny, because i thought i was 100% ready to raise a human being.hahaha

Lucky though i stay with my parents. They were there when i had my rainy days when i was so tired after work, when i was so tired with B's pending transfer, when i was tired of pumping. My family was there and with that i am truly grateful.

My life improved so much when Minmin hit 1-year-old. When i decided to stop pumping tho actually God knows how guilty i felt at that time. I know I told my husband,my parents or even in my blog how happy i was with my decision but Allah knows how much i cringed when people brought up the issue of breastfeeding, when people around me wasnt supportive of my decision. The only person who stood by was my husband although i knew in his heart he wished his son to receive the best till at least 2 years old. He never forces me and that's why I love him.

Ok back to my life improvement, when i stopped pumping once Minmin celebrated his 1st birthday I noticed the changes in me. I was not as tired as i used to be. And the most important thing is i didnt feel stress which i used to feel on daily basis FOR 1 YEAR!. The stress to fulfill the demand, the stress of not having enough rest when i woke up at night and early morning to pump and also the work at school. I only realise i was very unhappy after i stopped pumping. Because it had been my routine for a year i didnt notice it till i stopped. NOW I feel more energetic, i have extra time to rest, to catch up with my reading and also to be a mother.

So when i looked at minmin just now i had a pang of guilt because for a year i didnt really enjoy being a mother. Tho i tried but i know i didnt try enough. I didnt sit with him and played, but most of my free time (well i didnt hv free time anyway).was spent on expressing milk, school work, stole some time to nap or just being depressed. And this problem also affected my marriage a lil bit but the rough time had passed. Alhamdulillah.

I'm still improving myself. Starting to pay more attention to Minmin. Starting to teach him things, objects, language. We had our usual evening walks if it wasnt rain and now i am starting to cook for him. I am starting to feel like a true mom finally.

I am not sure what's the purpose of this post. But when i read back what i just typed i am glad i did this. My life was  chaotic this whole year. And i am going to change it. For us for minmin. Hehe

Not sure whether other moms experienced the same thing as me. I love Minmin all my heart buy i stop loving myself hence the stressful year i had. I'm starting all over again. And i hope the future will treat us better.

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