I is small heart

As someone who does not know me, what more my struggles everyday, your words felt like they sliced my skin little by little.

I was in the surau. Doing normal stuff I did every 3 hours since Min was born. Came this kakak. She was observing me.the she asked questions. Then I explained. Then she praised me for my effort to feed my baby.

Then i walked to the washing area to wash up. Then i heard the kakak saying something about how much I've missed for not being able to breastfeed on baby,how i missed the bonding between a mother and a baby, how the baby missed getting to know the mother's features,smells and touch.

She was telling it to anothet kakak, whispering as if she didnt want me to hear. But the surau is small and she has a speaker voice.

As usual, i know i can just bullshit the comment but again it feels like my 'disability' is being highlighted over and over again. I received enough from the people who are related by blood now strangers.

Sometimes i feel like it is so much easier to feed Min the cow's milk. When people learned that your babybis formula fed, it stops there. But if you are a pumper, it raises eyebrows.

I feel like punching the kakak's face but it's only in the mind. For what is worth, my baby is fat,chubby,healthy and happy from my own milk.

And regarding bonding between mom and baby, Min needs to be next to me, play with my face and hug me every night before he goes off to lala land.

I hate justifying because i know it shows the insecurities i feel about myself. I do

This Shall Be the final one

Stress membawa ke marah dan gelisah. Lemme mumble for what I hope would be the last time about Moms who are so lucky to be able to breastfeed their babies but look down on other moms who dont.

I have to admit, one of the reasons that drive me to keep pumping is I just cant take the comment from moms who are obsessed with their own breastmilk. Group-group yang sanggup menggunakan kata-kata jahat dan melabel ibu2 yang tak breastfeed baby. Because of their strong words, I determine. Bagus jugak kan.hehe

tapi like in the previous post, my stock has gone down and I have to go for a course next week. Still waiting for a miracle to happen or else, I have to introduce formula milk again, to Minmin after almost 4 months drinking mommy's milk only.

Tahap stress aku tu sampai hari ni aku call B pastu tanya soalan berikut:

B,apsal Allah uji saya berkali-kali when it comes to giving Min breastmilk? Muhaimin cannot latch and refuse direct feeding, pastu 1month susu tak banyak sebab tak direct feeding, pastu production jatuh sebab stress, sakit satu persatu, sekarang pam rosak, dah order baru tak sampai-sampai, boleh pulak kena food poisoning hari tu. Stock makin kurang, nak kena pergi course 3 hari pulak next week...Banyak betul dugaan. 

Kenapa dugaan yang aku kena ni tak kena kat ibu-ibu mulut puaka takbur susu banyak pastu perlekeh orang lain?

haaa kau...jangan terasa ye. Aku kalau stress ayat memang pedas.

Pastu B jawab:

Sebab diorang tak kena macam awak kena la diorang obsess. Diorang tak rasa apa yang awak rasa. Allah mudahkan perjalanan diorang nak bagi susu kat anak, awak tough sikit. Bagi diorang, tiada alasan taknak bagi susu ibu kat anak.

*perbualan originally in bahasa sarawak, telah dialih bahasa*

Nasib baik B jauh.kalau tak memang aku rasa nak nangis peluk je. Because he's so understanding. Salah satu tiang kekuatan aku.

Mungkin, mungkin ye aku kata mungkin apa B cakap tu betul. Diorang tak rasa apa sesetengah ibu-ibu macam aku ni rasa. Ibu normal mana yang tanak terbaik untuk anak sendiri? mana ? mana?

Rasa bersalah dalam hati when I'm not able to produce the amount to satisfy Min's tummy, Allah je yang tahu.Tapi aku doa hari-hari kalau aku terpaksa jugak bagi formula to Min, Allah lindungi Min dari segala benda jahat yang boleh jadi yang keluar dari mulut ibu puaka.

Diorang punya sampai hati cakap baby tak breastfeed senang sakit, bengap, lambat belajar, tak aktif, tak dengar cakap. sesetengahnya mungkin betul tapi not overall.Semua tu kerja Allah kan? Kita usaha. Susu ibu bukan sumber mutlak pembentukan peribadi dan sahsiah anak. Kalau mutlak, takyah lak didik anak, anta anak pergi sekolah, pergi university. sebab minum susu ibu je terus pandai, gitu?

Tu tak masuk lagi yang cakap aku tak cukup berusaha, kena usaha, pastu tampal hadis ibu kena susukan anak sampai 2 tahun. sunnah Rasulullah punya banyak tapi ko dok pungpang yang satu ni je. When it comes to effort, come and stay with me for a week then you'll know how 'tidak berusaha' aku dalam menjalankan hak untuk anak aku.

Sejak aku kahwin, pregnant, beranak now into exclusive pumping journey, aku dah terima macam-macam komen mulut orang. orang boleh kondem aku tapi aku sensitip tahap mahadewa bila orang komen anak aku.kadang-kadang aku rasa penat sebab hidup bertuankan komen orang. sampai satu tahap kalau orang komen apa aku buat aku balas balik. pastu orang tu kecik ati ngan aku pulak.acaner tu?

Again, I hope this shall be the last time aku mengutuk ibu-ibu puaka. Aku seorang ibu juga dan aku tanak anak aku membesar pastu baca blog aku yang sibuk dok kutuk orang.haha

But the chances are when my babies grow up this blog will be no more. We'll see.

ok dah kol 2.30 pagi. need to be up again at 4am to get ready to school. 

nanite peeps!

Aku Stress

Kepala tengah serabut ni.sebab minggu depan aku kena pergi course, kat JB for 3 days. Apsal stress? Sebab aku kena tinggal Minmin. Pastu sebab stock susu tak cukup. Aku stressssssss

Hari tu macam cantik dah stock. Tapi Allah nak uji minggu lepas aku kena minor food poisoning. Terus drop production. Production aku tak meriah. CUkup kais pagi makan pagi. Satu lagi Minmin punya selera besar. Bukan senang nak fulfill tapi aku gigih. Eh merapu. Kembali kepada food poisoning, walaupun aku tak muntah tak cirit bagai tapi production aku memang drop the next day. I have to produce at least 40oz per day to satisfy Min, tapi the day after the bad day production drop sampai 20oz je. Bila dah drop opkos aku kena pakai stock dalam fridge. I thought it's only for a day or two. Too bad, till today, the most I can produce in 30oz. Tak cukuppppppp aaaaaaaaaaa

Tadi aku keluarkan lagi stock untuk esok. The last four days ok je sebab aku kat rumah.sikit2 boleh lagi pump. Tapi esok dah start keja. Kalau rumah aku sebelah sekolah ke takpe.Ni sejam lebih drive. aaaaaa stock yang sepatutnya cukup untuk minggu depan dah jadi critical. Imagine red light flashing at the back.hahaha

Aku gelak lagi sebab nak cuba positif. Tapi aku risau. Aku berharap Allah di pihak aku. Sama ada course tu ditunda, venue tukar pegi Melaka ke atau tetiba production aku meriah.

Tolong la doakan aku.....

Ni la baby yang suka susu tu.hehehe kalau nampak botol mulut terus nganga macam anak burung =)

Exhausted

It's the forth day of the week.And I dont feel like going to work at all.

I WANT TO SLEEP.

AAAAAAAAAA

My body is still adjusting to the working mommy + EP mom routine which resulted in a very exhausted mommy.

I dont know where should I start to explain my routine.haha because it's endless.lemme try la okeh.

4.30am: wake up, pump, getting ready to school, feed min if he's awake.

6.10am: drive to school.

6.55am- 2.40pm: Be in school.if there's meeting, extra co-cu than time should be longer.

2.50pm-3.45pm: driving home, pump in the car.

3.45pm:arrive home, Min is usually awake, I think he can sense me.hahah and he wants me right away.No rest.

3.45pm-7pm: play, feed,bath and get Min to sleep.

7pm-730pm: Probably still trying to put Min to bed.

7.30pm: Bath, pray, eat.

8pm: Pump sesh + lesson plan on the laptop

9-10pm: getting stuffs ready for tomorrow: Min's clothes, bottle, my school stuffs, iron baju

10pm: sleep

11pm: Usually Min wakes up to feed.

11.15pm: Another pumping sesh

12am: Sleep 

2pm:If Min is still sleeping, another pumping sesh. Then feed Min.

2.45pm: Sleep

4.30: The cycle repeats

This is basically just a guideline. It totally depends on how Min wants it to be.hahahhaha

I need a longer sleep time. I know but I have no choice since I have to express milk for Min especially at night. My pumping sesh has gone down from 8 times per day to around 5-6 times only.aaaaa and Min's appetite is getting bigger.hoho I'm sleepy and tired. I dozed off several times unintentionally while driving to and fro school especially at the traffic lights. 

Oh, did I mention that Min isnt well? He's not been sleeping well for almost a week now due to cough and flu. Brought him to see a doctor already. Just a normal cough and flu for baby. 

 

Sick but still happy and active.

aaaaa I vant to write more but it's 5.15am already.need to get ready to schoollllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Run far far away

Today definitely one of the worst days.

I feel like hiding somewhere where no one can find me.

A place where people can understand what I did and wont judge my stupid actions.

Dont worry. I will bring Min along. Of course.

If only Min could talk. He would comfort me. But for now, I'm satisfied with his toothless grin.

Mommy loves you Minmin.

Obsession

My cousin said it's normal for a new mom to be obsessed about their new baby, especially first born.

I thought I was not till I came here.

I dont like how people control my baby. What ever decision made for him, must go through me and approve by me. and my thought is final. But it didnt happen that way =__='

I dont like it even more when people said he looks more like his dad.hahaha

Ok this is serious.

I need to relax a bit. Stop being so obsess because in the end I'll be the one who's stressed.

I'm really obsess guys. I did quite a reflection to search for the root of this problem and came to only one reasonable conclusion.

Through out my pregnancy, I was mostly alone. I carried myself alone. When I craved, I went to search for it alone. When I was having pregnancy discomfort, I experienced it alone. Well most of the time. No one really took care of me except when B was around. 

I think I have been independent for almost a year so when Min's out, I REALLY HATE IT when people act like they know more than me.

He's hungry, feed more.

He's colicky.

He's sleepy,

He's afraid.

I REALLY HATE IT. NOT DISLIKE. HATE.

I took care of him during confinement mostly alone when my parents went to work. I know what my baby needs or having. I know when he's hungry. I know his cue when he's sleepy. I know his face expression when he's afraid.

I'm not saying I know everything about him. But the basic, yea try me.

So when other people decide when he needs to be fed, to sleep, to bath, irk the hell out of me.

What should I do then? =(

Mouth to chin, he definitely takes it from me.hahaha

Baby Blues

When I was still naive about pregnancy and birth, I always thought they were fun. I always thought to hold your baby after hours of struggling with contractions was the happy ending. I always thought that a woman would be super happy holding the bundle of joy.

 

I was happy too till what I might call as baby blues, arrived. Quote from American pregnancy Association (wahhh gitu cam buat thesis..haha)

Mood swings after the birth of a baby are not uncommon. While the “baby blues” are the least severe form of postpartum depression, it is important not to ignore the changes that are happening in your body. Many women feel confused about struggling with sadness after the joyous event of adding a new baby to the family and often don’t talk about it

I didnt know I was having baby blues till I googled about it few days ago and thought of sharing it here. I was a bit depressed after we came home from the hospital. Juggling between the baby, the surgery pain, the discomfort, and changed of daily routine and oh the hormones (i just love to blame the hormones hehe)made that first two weeks miserable for me.

I cried constantly especially after the 4th day up to a week. I cried when there's no milk after pumping, I cried when Muhaimin refused me, I cried when I saw my belly, I cried when Muhaimin cried at night, I cried when I was in pain.

Not only tears, I was very moody also. Kesian my hubby. He had to be patient taking care of two babies.hoho There was one time when I felt everything was too overwhelmed for me I refused to hold Muhaimin. I didnt want to look at him. I didnt want to hear him at all. I let B and my mom handled everything. I didnt tell B initially but after a day, I confessed and broke down. A mommy is supposed to love the newborn unconditionally, but why did I feel that way? I even became grumpy when B paid more attention to Muhaimin than me. Pfftt~ what a drama-mommy.

Anyhoo, I had all the symptoms of baby blues stated in the website.
Symptoms of “baby blues” include:

• Weepiness or crying for no apparent reason
• Impatience
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Anxiety
• Fatigue
• Insomnia (even when the baby is sleeping)
• Sadness
• Mood changes
• Poor concentration

I think the only way to get over baby blues is support. I have a very supportive husband. When I told B I had no feeling towards Muhaimin as a mom should have, he didnt judge me. He keeps encouraging, giving advices and words of wisdom and told me all these would pass. And every free time we had we would talk about our feelings even for 5 minutes. No judge. and that helps. A lot. By the end of week 2, I was feeling more of myself. I started to feel happy again, though still tired.heheh

I believe if I didnt talk about how I feel, I would be so depressed till now. Alhamdulillah that I've passed the depressed moment. Now I cant let a day pass without gomol-ing my hero!

To all mommy-to-be, be prepared for things like this coz it will swing by unannounced.hehe be prepared mentally and physically to welcome your bundle of joy. Baby blues, if you ignore it could lead into postpartum depression, which is more severe. Talk to your husband,family and friend about how you feel. They will understand. And enjoy the new journey.hehe

 

Mommy loves you hero =))

Stress

• I'm in pain most of the time especially around my belly. The skin has become super tight and the recent stretchmarks + itchiness+ rashes make it worse. The pain is like someone is using knife to peel my skin or being poked with a needle. The only time it doesnt hurt is when I wash my belly with cold or warm water. Even during sleep, I would wake up caused by the pain.
•  
• When I'm not in pain, the skin itch like hell. No joke. It's not like just-rub-gently-it-will-go-away kinda. It's super itchy. I have tried many things but nothing seems to work. The only cure is to deliver the baby.
•  
• For both pain and itch, I dont dare to use any medication. Especially around belly area. My doc warns me that the medication could sip through the crack and gets to baby. All I can do is endure. Same goes to the rashes. Nothing can be done. Endure mommy endure.
•  
• I dont tell a single thing to my family. Except when Mom noticed the rashes around my ankle only then I told her. Even then not so much detail. The only person I go complaining  to is my husband, rant on Twitter or Blog. It's easy to feel lonely. I just donno how to share how I feel to my family unless they ask.
•  
• When I rant on Twitter or Blog, some said I'm not grateful. This made me super sad.
•  
• I'm tired most of the time. At night, sleep is troubled by the itch or pain or other discomfort. Lack of sleep leads to fatigue. I'm tired. Tired and I can feel my emotion becomes unstable. I cry easily, get angry or annoyed easily. Super sensitive that even I hate myself sometimes.
•  
• Financial isnt good right now. We are tight on budget. But still manageable. I'm worried for the future. The constant travelling is damaging our pocket. Saving is getting lesser. I'm worried we cant afford.
•  
• Apart from all the things I mentioned above, I'm stress about the baby delivery. He's getting bigger, thanks to me who munch non-stop. I'm worried he wont be able to get through safely. Let me stress that I'm not worried for myself. I'm worried about my baby. I'm scared halfway through the pushing stage he wont be able to come out then have to go for emergency C-sec. I'm scared he would be so distress that he would poop and eat the poop, or he gets distress that he plays around the umbilical cord and choke or he just runs out of air ketuban. I can only imagine the worst. And THIS IS MY BIGGEST SOURCE OF STRESS.

Drama for the day

I had cherry berry (diarrhoea) the whole day yesterday. It started from Saturday night till this morning. I was mostly tired and the hazy air made my body and respiratory system harder. Told Mom I wanted to skip work today. But being the senior teacher....cut short, I was already in school at 6.55pm.

I was till I went for another round of cherry berry. I started sweating profusely and my stomach felt uneasy. I had two buns for breakfast so I didnt think it was due to empty stomach. While walking to the assembly spot, my soil turned to jelly land.Luckily, it happened at the right time, near the biology lab. I entered and quickly settled on the cushion settee. Headache, nauseous, stomach pain and the world became blurry. And not to forget, the sweat. Asma was there so she fanned me, and kept repeating 'You look pale, you look pale'. Kesian pulak aku tengok kau.hahaha I hate attention so when the teachers started to notice my condition, I felt even more uneasy.

I went back and forth to the sink, scared I would throw up anytime but luckily I didnt. I couldnt really remember the details but after the assembly, I went to the canteen, had a glass of milo (i hate milo), went to the staff room, doze off for 10 minutes and went to see Boss. By looking at my face, Boss straight away said 'Pegi balik amik MC. HAHAHAH' By 10.15am, I was driving out of school and went straight to the clinic in Alor Gajah.

Doc said I was slightly dehydrated but the rest was normal. She gave me a day off. Went back home, had lunch and slept.

B said I was 'derhaka' to him this morning. He told me to rest at home.hahaha sorry B. =p I hope this thing wont happen again in the future. But on a bright side, Baby A kicked more today.hehehehe

What a post without a picture aite? Unrelated to the post tho.

Taken during Min's reception. I knew I am big but never knew this big @.@.

My belly hid half of Makteh's body.hahaha

A pang in the face

Today we had the first round of Ujian Tara in school today. Since I'm carrying a baggage, I am given only the MC job. As much as I appreciate the consideration, being an emcee means I stationed myself at the grandstand with the senior teachers. The younger teachers....you know work on the field *cough...cough*... So I lepak-ed with the senior group today.

Their topics were different than what I usually had with my peers so most of the time I smiled, laughed or nodded.hehe So while talking, suddenly this kakak asked:

"Ain tak sedih ke suami dok jaoh?"

No one, ever has asked me that question, directly to my face. No one. So I didnt know how to react. So I cracked a small laughed. Maybe she realised the damage that she'd done, she withdrew and quickly changed the topic. Somehow I feel like she shouldnt have done that. She should have let me answer it because what happened after that my mind cant stop thinking of the answer. Even until now.

Of course everyone knows how I feel, not exactly but roughly. But still...haish...

Next month, we will hit our 1st year anniversary. Time flies huh? Not sure how we survived the distance.haha of course with tears, motivation and lotsa blog posts =p

Beach Vacation

My favorite destination for a vacation will always be the beach. I want to go so badly. I want to feel the sand on my feet. I want to breath the salty air. I want to sleep with the sound of the waves.

I want to go to clear my head. A place where I dont have to think about other people. I want it to be just the two of us, me and Baby A.

Let's go shall we? But need to wait for Mommy's payday lah.hehe

I Wish

If only I could let out the feeling 

If only I could find someone to share this uneasiness

If only I could find someone who would listen

If only I could find someone who would let me express this anger

If only I could talk myself out from being too selfish

If only I could find someone who would understand exactly how i feel

If only I could...

Hard

 

Not sure what happen in there but my stomach has been giving me super discomfort since morning. I feel nauseous most of the time, indigestion and bloating.

It's too much that I dont think I function well today. I feel exhausted and headache wont stop visiting. I want to cry. B and I seldom sent sms today. He worked night shift last night so when I left for school, he slept till noon. When he was awake at noon I was in a meeting. When I was done with meeting, he was in deep nap preparing for tonight's shift. Now that I'm home he's working.

It's hard sometimes to be away from your partner. I know I live with my parents, but I never tell them anything. I never tell mom I got headache, nauseous, bloating. I never tell her how worried sick I am with my anemic condition. I dont even tell her anything after every check up. That's just how we are =)

so when I cant contact B, I feel lonely. Lonely is more depressing than all the symptoms.

 Every time I feel like crying, I look at Ayfa's photos. I want my baby to be as happy as she is. Ayfa, help maklang pleaseeeeeeeee.

Syukur

I was so stress at the beginning of this week. I know I've promised to be more optimistic but can you tell me how to calm yourself when your husband almost got killed by his own car? Tell me. B's car is at its worst condition. We both have given up on it. We are ready to sell it but to repair the damage isnt cheap. B didnt get into any accident, it's just the way the car is. and this time it tried to kill my husband.

Of course B didnt tell me earlier about the incident. He waited for few days, and he chose the day I was at my calmest.hahaha and I think he chose the right time.I heard the news with sooo much calmness that I couldnt believe it was Nurul who was listening at that time.hahaha But hours later, in prayer the thought of losing him when I was not there scared the hell outta me. And with the baby on the way......it's just...... But I humbly thank Allah for sparing his life and not taking him away. Lend him to me for a longer time Ya Allah..

Lately, things were not on our side. Finance, the stress, the baby and now the car are too much sometimes. All these made us think, maybe we have done something bad or not doing enough to chase away the bad lucks.hehe But we are positive that things are going to change and be better. InsyaAllah.

I dont know whether I should tell about all these in blog but I cant keep it anymore. I hope this will not disturb your happy day. I'm happy, Alhamdulillah and the baby too. Cant wait for next check-up to see its progress =)))

Withdrawal

At this stage of marriage, being separated from B should be normal. Actually from the past 8 months, every time we bid goodbye, I was pretty okay. I didnt cry at all.

For the first time since we got married, I cried 3 times today.

The first wave of flood came early in the morning. Woke up, ironed my baju, hugged B who was still sleeping and sobbed like a little girl.

The second time when I reached school. Called B. Was cursing his boss and again teared up.

The last one was when I got back from work to an empty house. I entered the room. B had it tidied up. He left the shirt he was wearing last night (on my request) on the bed with some notes for me. I sobbed alone.

Damn  you hormones! I blame the hormones because I have never felt this emotional. Worst, I cried. urghhhhh~~

I will see him again InsyaAllah 21st of March. A month ++ from now. If this is written in my path, I will accept it. Allah knows best. But still, if I'm given the chance, I would like to hit his boss in the nuts.

 

Ayfa, ayfa ayfa ayfa ayfa ayfa, mak lang rindu....

Heavy

This morning I went to see Boss to discuss 3 matters. Let's skip the first two and jump straight to the 3rd one. It was about a problem I'm having with my students. I taught this class since last year and I guess they have become too comfortable with me that they ignore all my instructions. One of it was the whole class decided not to do the homework I gave. Actually it was for the school holiday. Last week I reminded them to do it so we could discuss this week. Boy they really had the nerve. out of 24, only 3 completed the task.

I was devastated. Hence the emo post yesterday. Can you imagine these kids, when they passed by me or met me anywhere around the school they would remind me, yes remind me that they havent done their homework? Indirectly, they were challenging me. I have one boy in this class that if he doesnt curse me with fuck or slut, he would ask me 'teacher, what will you do if I dont do my homework?' If you were me, what would you do?

So yesterday was my last straw. They are sitting for major examination and I dont want their bad attitude to affect their results. So I went to see Boss. Actually, I wanted to ask permission to punish the students by having them to give a talk in English during daily assembly. That's all. But thing got a lil bit too far. Boss decided to see these kids. I thought he would go to the class. But he made announcement instead, calling the whole class to his office. Of course I was shocked.

To cut story short, I was quite a hot stuff today. Teachers who are teaching the same class came and asked me what happened so I told them the real story. I thought they would scold me as you know, I'm the new broom....but I'm glad when they agreed with what I did because that class indeed has gone too much for some of the teachers.

I dont care if the students are weak. I want to teach. I love to see improvement. I love when my students could remember the new words they learn. But I cant take the attitude. Lazy and rude. I grow up with boys so I'm pretty familiar with their nature. But I'm an educator. My job is to educate. And it's not for academic purposes only but also for the whole being. I have a big responsibility.

Anyhoo, I entered the class later today. I told them I was the one who told Boss (They have been blaming other teachers). They were shocked because this time I really did what I warned them. For the first time today, 21 out of 24 students completed the homework. The other 3 still have the guts to challenge me. So I told them fine. You want real challenge? Next week, for daily assembly, each of you will have to share something in front of other student. If you were absent that day, I will call you a coward for the whole year. Wanna be a hero in the class? Might as well go all the way. That shut them up. Boys, play with their so called ego, you'll see the result. So next week let's see whether these boys show up or not. Cant wait to see them speaking in English in front of a large crowd!

Not my day

This is going to be a very emotional post. Better leave. I just need a place to rant.

Today is ssoooooo not my day. It started good but just likethe  Malay proverb, hujan di tengah hari.

My credibility as a teacher was challenged today.

I hate 3B, at the moment. I shall stop being nice. They dont deserve nice. dasar anak melayu tak sedar diri. Geramnyaaaaaaaaa. From now on, I will exercise my dictatorship. No more games. no more toilet trips. I'm serious. Dont like my style? Write an official letter to the school and change teacher. I dont care.

For today, read this:

memang aku sorang je yang dok jaoh dari husband

memang aku sorang je yang tengah ber'isi'

memang aku sorang je yang tengah emo

memang aku sorang je yang lapar

memang aku sorang je yang ada masalah kat dunia ni

ko kalau jumpa husband seminggu sekali jangan nak borak dengan aku. aku jumpa husband aku sebulan sekali, itupun kalau ada rezeki. kalau rezeki lebih 2 bulan sekali. aku memang nak tunggu husband aku balik baru nak bukak buku sebab aku nak dia ada sama. banyak benda aku buat sorang aku nak dia ada tengok anak kitorang. memang aku mengada. tapi kalau kau kenal aku, aku mengada dengan husband aku aje. dengan mak pun aku tak. dengan kau apatah lagi.

aku geram. aku sabar hari-hari tapi hari ni aku nak meletop jugak. dengan student yang macam hape and pastu orang yang nak sound2 aku sebab mengada-ngada. aku cakap sekali lagi, kalau ko jumpa husband ko seminggu sekali, jangan nak borak gebang dengan aku cakap aku ni mengada. memang aku sumpah, walaupun dalam hati je.

Ya Allah emonya hari ni. rasa nak patah keyboard laptop ni aku taip.

Most of the time memang aku okay. aku tak emo. banyak istighfar banyak selawat.sebab aku taknak anak aku jadi macam aku.panas baran. tapi hari ni macam dah marah sangat. takkan nak melepas kat orang. so aku lepas la kat sini.

Satu benda aku bersyukur, aku takde or belum ada morning sickness Kurang sikit satu simptom. Tapi tahap mengidam, lapar and sakit pinggang sangat tinggi. aku susah tidur malam-malam sebab kadang-kadang bisa je rasa pinggang sampai ke betis.semua tu tahan je la. takde husband nak urut pinggang, nak layan mengidam aku. kadang-kadang jadi emo giler bila sebab mengidam something carik tak jumpa. pastu tak tau nak suruh sape lagi carikkan. pastu rasa kecewa sangat2 pastu emo lagi. pastu tdo. bila tengok adam hawa mesti pastu nangis kaw-kaw. arghh

today I asked around for opinion whether to choose private or government clinic for maternal check up. kaw kaw je ko cakap aku mengada-ngada nak pergi private. banganngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg sangat. kampeni husband aku cover wehhh. aku sedar gaji cikgu dg41 aku ni besar mana. tak mampu der nak pegi private. tapi ada orang bayarkan. pergi je la. plus, I WANT A FEMALE DOCTOR. FAHAM TAK??? Aku belum sanggup lagi nak mengangkang depan lelaki lain. walaupun atas sebab perubatan. kecuali kecemasan. pilihan masih ada, bukan tak ada. sakit biasa2 pun aku pergi klinik perempuan. dari kat miri, pastu belajar kat kuching, pastu dah kerja semua klinik perempuan aku pergi. 

Ok dah. Kalau keyboard laptop ni rosak esok, aku pasrah.aku tak tahan dah. While typing this, i'm having casual moment with mom watching tv. so takyah mejin aku distress dengan rambut gerbang-gerbang. I look totally fine only in blog.

Rindu Part 2

'no matter how expensive the pillow is, it could never be as comfortable as my husband's shoulder'.

I was blog-hopping when I encountered those words. Mula la mata ni rasa nak banjir-banjir je.. I have trouble sleeping lately. Discomforts and trips to the bathroom 2-3 times at night have been a daily routine. I'm not being romantic. B's shoulder is as hard as a rock but it is the most comfortable pillow for me. or his thigh. or the best one; his tummy. hahaha 20 days since I last saw him. Be strong Nurul!

Sometimes, it's not I want to be immature, whining because I cant see him. I got friends who always told me I'm lucky that I'm staying with my parents, they are more couples outside who live apart from the spouses and family. I know that. But sometimes, when time gets hard, I need somebody to reason with me, to tell me everything is okay, things will get better. My parents and I are casual. I have never discussed anything too personal with them. So it's hard to explain how I really feel to them. It's just they way we are. Even when I wanted to get married, I told mom 'Mak nak kawen' and she asked 'When?'. Our conversations were always direct. tak pernah la ada selami perasaan gituuuhhhh.heheh

Or when I told mom about B's application to transfer got denied, I told her 'Mak sepul tak dapat pindah' then I cried. Mom just said 'takpela takde rezeki'. No hugs no kisses. I'm not complaining tho. Mom was raised like that and that's how she raised me. We are that simple. But i know she loves me.hehehe

Back to the story, being away from the husband is hard. Even boyfriend-girlfriend tak jumpa pun dah jiwang semacam, ini pulak laki bini khennnnnn. 

 

Nasibla, I kan ratu recycle gambar.hahaha

B, We miss you.

Ticket

Earlier this month, B followed us back to mom's kampung in Kedah. We stayed there for one night only because B came back just for a short trip. Anyhoo, before we went back to KL, I drove B around Gurun town, just to check out if our future lies in the small, quiet town.heheh anyhoo, I used Jeniang -  Gurun road. It was a 2-lane road with no speed limit sign anywhere.

I drove around 90-100km/h when I noticed a policeman about 50m in front of me. I slowed down but I guess it was too late. Because yesterday, Mom received THE LETTER. Dang!!!

 I'm sorry I've done everything but this picture just wont rotate =__='

Before I pay this summon, to Kedah state, please please please please put up the speed limit sign. I remembered asking B if he hd seen any sign. I also remembered driving around 80 - 90 -100 km/h coz i wasnt sure the limit.hehe

Apparently the speed limit was 60km/h. Kamonnnn...this is not jalan kampung!

Ok bai!

4 hours after that

It's been 4 hours since we received the news. I would say I'm okay now. My parents have been told about this and as usual they are super supportive. This morning I admit I wanted to rage, I wanted to slap the bosses' faces and I even prayed their children would experience what we have been through too. Astagfirullah.

This could be another blessing in disguise. I have slowly healed, though it's too fast. I need to heal fast. I need to accept this plan made by Allah and act maturely. B needs me. He doesnt need my whining, crying, throwing tantrum like a small girl. We are both in this together. We will work it out.

I think the next step is me applying for transfer. The chances are small but still it counts. It's hard to ask for transfer when the school lacks of subject teacher. What ever it is, I'll leave it to Allah as He is the best planner of all.

So Bintulu, are you ready to have me join the community? hee