End of the journey

Hello!

I've thought longggg befor9e i want to post about this and finally made my decision to share it. Before that, to all obssessed breastmilk moms, please steer away from this page before you give yourself and bad day.

I have finally decided to stop my exclusive pumping journey. I was in doubt for a few weeks now but last night after a discussion with my husband (he did not tell me what to do) i have decided to end this love-hate relationship with my pumps. I want me all for myself. I want to drink coffee everyday. I want to eat anything that crosses my mind. I want to be me again.

Unlike breastfeeding mom, ep mom like me has no emotional attachment to the process. My struggle for a year is solely to give the best for my baby and i think i am done with this. For almost a year I struggled emotionally as an ep mom. I couldnt recall any other happy moments for all these time except my milk has done good for Muhaimin. I convinced myself that I love the journey but the truth it i dont like it. But i survived! I survived and Minmin got what he deserves.hehehhe

The decision to stop has not come easy to me. I've started to give Minmin formula since Ramdhan as the production dropped pretty bad. But I only gave him at night. Then after raya, came August which was the most strressful moment for this year. I was under stress at work, tired and emotionally not stable for some reasons. So i had to continue with FM again for night feeding only.

Until last week.

I was driving to school early in the morning. I was tired and extremely sleepy and was fighting to keep my eyes open. 30mins into the journey, i think i accidentally blacked out because when i came to my senses, i was driving 70km/h and the car in front of me was about 2meters away and was stopping at a traffic light. In shock, spontaneously i steered to the left lane and i was lucky there was no car coming that way and kept driving,panting and sweating.

Minmin could have lost his mom that morning.

In school, i was thinking the whole day. I am tired with school work and the pumping was taking a toll of me. I decided to stop. Minmin now needs me more than the milk. And that was not the first time i fell asleep but it was the worst one. I have to do something.

I still pumped 3-4 times a day since but my production was very low. So I had to feed him FM during the day too. Suprisingly, i feel okay. I didnt feel stress for giving him 'the poison' like some moms would say.

So here I am. Feeling contented and happy. I am still sleepy everyday but i dont have to wake up at midnight to pump and i can enjoy a cup of coffee before I drive to school. For 2 days now, i was sober while driving to and fro school. Hehehehe

I am proud of myself to be able to survive for a year as a pumper. My initial target was until confinement, then to 6 months and now a year. I have never thought i could go this far but i did it! I did it! I did it.

In this one year i bought 5 different breastpumps. One was broken, 1 sold to SIL, 1 manual bpump, one to be used at home and the other one at work.hahah funny that I spent so much on these gadgets.hihihi

I'm laughing now. And smiling. I feel free.

Dont worry. Minmin is super healthy. He is now almost 10kg.

I hope for my next baby, i will succeed to direct feed her and do not have to go through this journey again.

Exclusive Pumping

In 10 days, Abdul Muhaimin, the person i fall in love every second of my life is turning 1. It also means I have been a pumper that long. To be honest, it was not a sweet memory for me. All the stress, the cries, the frustration, the loneliness and all negative feelings i have endured for almost a year now, I wud never suggest anyone to be a pumper. Though it sounds bad, all the negative feelings are drown by one and only positive one: Love.

Not a mushy type but i think the love i have for Minmin has kept me going till this second. My plan was to survive for after confinement only. Then i target to stop when Minmim reach 6 months old. Now i'm still pumping.hehe it's love to give the best to my baby though.

But Minmin is no longer 100% given breast milk. During fasting month, my production was bad enough that I had to give him formula. Then minmin started to have a mind on his own. For his night feeding, he would throw tantrum and sulked if the milk came late to him.

I'm already super exhausted during the day i cannot lose my night rest as well. So for night feeding, formula is the solution. He's happy and mommy's happy.

He feeds around 7 times in 24 hours. His night feeding is once or twice only. So he's still getting milk mostly from mommy.hahaha

A roller coaster ride it has been since I first heard his cry in the operation theatre but he's definitely worth it.

Actually i cant wait to have my second baby! Hahaha but not too soon. Next year InsyaAllah

Heroes

These 2 handsome dudes here keep me going everyday. Life is tough on me right now but i need to keep going. I know at the end, i will find what ever i was looking for.

Cant wait for 1st syawal where all 3 of us will gather as a family for our first raya ������

Minmin 8 months old

Minmin is 8m3w old today. Let's see his progress so far

He eats more solids now compared to when he just started. More solids means less milk consumptiin.phewww for mommy

He is yet to crawl but lately i notice he is able to lift his bum already. Soon he'll crawl.

He loves pasta! Hahaha proven by the amount of pasta he ate compared to rice porridge.tee hee hee dari dalam perut dah feveret khennnn

He recognises faces. Mommy, ayah, atok,nenek and wan. He knows these people listen to his demand.

He knows who will entertain what. In the morning, he knows atok will be his buddy. In the evening, he would scream until nenek picks him up coz nenek is the buddy who will bring him out for evening stroll.and come night, no one should touch him except mommy coz he knows mommy will fly him to lala land.hahaha ayah? He FREAKIN' knows that ayah will do everything for him so he is very demanding when ayah is around

He hates toys. Ok hate is a strong word. Everytime we bought a new one for him he would play with it about 10mins and then went 'ok this is boring.now where's the remote control?'. He LOVES remote control and my glasses. Weird.

Erm...what else?

Oh he now knows to move his finger like twinkling star everytime i sang the song to him.hahaha smart boy!

Whenever someone coughed around him, this cheeky boy would mock back the sound.  Not sure how he learnt to do that though...

Weighing at 8.6kg. I think he lost a lil bit of weight after we came back from terengganu. He was down w cold and refused food for a few days.

He responds well in coversation. He would answer back in hisbown language. When i sang to him, he would make sounds which i guesses is his own way singing with me.hehe

I think that's all.there are a lot more which i think are just improvements of skills that he has acquired before

Love you Minmin!��

Fine motor skill and email

7 months and 2 weeks, Minmin has unlocked one of his fine motor skills which is to hold bottle till the last drop of milk. Though still a bit shaky I'm proud of him haha

For those who emailed me asking about exclusive pumping, pardon for the late of reply coz i'm planning to answer it on blog for all to see. Hehe

I have a Facebook account but I dont feel comfortable sharing it. Just email me ok �� I'll get back to ya a.s.a.p

Minmin's new high chair

Minmin has reached a level where he prefers to feed himself and refuses food if his own hands are not involved in the process of bringing the food to his mouth i.e. he wants to hold the spoon. Since he's still figuring out how to coordinate the hands, you can imagine how messy and stressful mealtimes are.haha

He had successfully soiled his walker and yesterday, the stroller. The mess makes me wanna cry because some parts cant be unattached from the stroller. Still figuring out how to clean them ��

Anyhoo,after much thought finally I bought a new high chair for him. Went to a baby store and bought one. As someone who usually buys thing based on appearance, I almost bought an expensive high chair with very chic design. Luckily it's in the middle of the month and my pocket isnt that fat so I bought the cheapest one. Plaim white high chair.

I'm glad I did because Min's style of feeding himself includes face and body scrub with the porridge down to his thighs and feet . Then with the hands he would touch everywhere. That's how he injured his walker and stroller. ��

So as expexted today, he 'officiated' the high chair with a few drops of puke followed by smearing all the possible areas he could reach with his food.

But..

I still love you Minmin. Hee ��

Muhamin 7 months old

Tho he has started solid,he still prefers the milk. I was hopeful when people told me once he started to eat, he wud consume less milk. I was being hopeful because i tot i could cut down on pumping haha coz it's tiring. Still a mommy's boy he loves milk.haha

He babbles more now

He knows how to attract people's attention

He hates being in the house

He loves being outside for outing, walking.

He is around 9-10 kg now. Muhaimin attracts attention because he is big but his parents are small built.haha

He hates toys but loves non-toy items.

Sleep less now which gives atok headache.because he wants to be entertained and carried all the time.hehe

Aaa what else?

He loves dates porridge,hates puree.

He wants to eat everything. If he saw us eating, he would stare and had that ' feed meeehhhh' look till your heart melts eventhou you were only eating sambal belacan.

He walks a few steps in his walker now.

He rolls over on the mat effortlessly

Sometimes he refuses to sleep in his cot and wants to sleep next to mommy

He listens and giggles when someone reads him story books

He still drools like niagara falls

He knows how to reject things that he doesnt want

Waaa that's a lot.haha

Min has grown a lot since a month ago. Unfortunately his Ayah wasnt around to witness all these. So dear readers, please help to pray so that Minmin's ayah gets to transfer here as soon as possible. Only God can repay all your kindness

Good Night Muhaimin

Since we came back from our North trip,Min is down with flu. Ok he's not down still up active and cheeky. Just a mild flu. He's a bit cranky most of the time that made me kissed him even more.haha

Min was cranky in his cot just now. Due to blocked nasal. So i put him next to me on the bed and he fell asleep instantly. I was facebooking on the phone when suddenly i felt a soft touch on my cheek. I turned to the left and in the dark I caught Minmin round eyes looking at me. As if he was saying 'Mommy, it's time for bed'.

So I put away my phone, stroked his chubby cheek and slowly he drifted back to sleep. At that time dear readers, i felt the bonding of being a mother.

As much as I love Minmin, i dont always feel the connection, you know like in the movie where the moms instantly felt their children.hehe so just now was one of the rarest moments of motherhood.

I just had a few sips of coffee and i know i smelled of it. But Minmin didnt mind. He didnt even budge when i kissed him few times on the forehead. He didnt frown when i said 'i love you' right in front of his face knowing my breath smelled of coffee and ikan bawal goreng.hahha

This is my son and regardless of how i look or smell,he wants me here next to him.

There were few incidents from the past weeks where i felt the bonding..one of it was a week ago during his bedtime. He was crying,wriggling and his grandparents tried all sorts of way to calm him. I was in the shower. After i was done,quickly I entered the room and instantly,just like a snap of fingers he stopped crying and looked at me. He knew then his human cradle had arrived.miahahahaa

Another one is no matter how cranky he was at night,as long as i took him out of his cot and put him next to me,he gonna sleep like a baby. It's the smell of his mom that soothes him to sleep.

I dont have the perfect words to describe my feelings for you but Allah knows how much i love you Abdul Muhaimin ♡♡♡

muhaimin's first trip to North

Mimin at 6 months old

Alhamdulillah, the baby I popped out in August is now 6 months old.hahaha

Mommy loves you Muhaimin!

Mimin has 2 teeth now.haha they started to appear 2 weeks before he turned 6 month old.

Last Saturday he started his first semi solid food.

I bought him a walker mainly because he hates lying down and prefer to be in a standing position. I know some experts believe that walker is a bad invention but let's hope for the best. It is also to ease the burden of my father. Takkan Abah nak pegang 24 hours kan? kesian pulak.hehe

He is still learning hands coordination. I made him hold objects in both hands but so far he still cant. If one hand was holding a toy, when I gave the other hand another toy, he would let go the toy in the first hand.hee

hmm....he sometimes knew how to attract attention. By making weird sounds.haha

He still enjoys his bath.

He is now able to roll a few times on the floor.hahaha he couldnt move forward so he rolled when he wanted something far.hahaha

He has outgrown all 80% of his 3mo clothes

He is 8.3kg, 83cm tall

emm....

aaaa

what else?