End of the journey

Hello!

I've thought longggg befor9e i want to post about this and finally made my decision to share it. Before that, to all obssessed breastmilk moms, please steer away from this page before you give yourself and bad day.

I have finally decided to stop my exclusive pumping journey. I was in doubt for a few weeks now but last night after a discussion with my husband (he did not tell me what to do) i have decided to end this love-hate relationship with my pumps. I want me all for myself. I want to drink coffee everyday. I want to eat anything that crosses my mind. I want to be me again.

Unlike breastfeeding mom, ep mom like me has no emotional attachment to the process. My struggle for a year is solely to give the best for my baby and i think i am done with this. For almost a year I struggled emotionally as an ep mom. I couldnt recall any other happy moments for all these time except my milk has done good for Muhaimin. I convinced myself that I love the journey but the truth it i dont like it. But i survived! I survived and Minmin got what he deserves.hehehhe

The decision to stop has not come easy to me. I've started to give Minmin formula since Ramdhan as the production dropped pretty bad. But I only gave him at night. Then after raya, came August which was the most strressful moment for this year. I was under stress at work, tired and emotionally not stable for some reasons. So i had to continue with FM again for night feeding only.

Until last week.

I was driving to school early in the morning. I was tired and extremely sleepy and was fighting to keep my eyes open. 30mins into the journey, i think i accidentally blacked out because when i came to my senses, i was driving 70km/h and the car in front of me was about 2meters away and was stopping at a traffic light. In shock, spontaneously i steered to the left lane and i was lucky there was no car coming that way and kept driving,panting and sweating.

Minmin could have lost his mom that morning.

In school, i was thinking the whole day. I am tired with school work and the pumping was taking a toll of me. I decided to stop. Minmin now needs me more than the milk. And that was not the first time i fell asleep but it was the worst one. I have to do something.

I still pumped 3-4 times a day since but my production was very low. So I had to feed him FM during the day too. Suprisingly, i feel okay. I didnt feel stress for giving him 'the poison' like some moms would say.

So here I am. Feeling contented and happy. I am still sleepy everyday but i dont have to wake up at midnight to pump and i can enjoy a cup of coffee before I drive to school. For 2 days now, i was sober while driving to and fro school. Hehehehe

I am proud of myself to be able to survive for a year as a pumper. My initial target was until confinement, then to 6 months and now a year. I have never thought i could go this far but i did it! I did it! I did it.

In this one year i bought 5 different breastpumps. One was broken, 1 sold to SIL, 1 manual bpump, one to be used at home and the other one at work.hahah funny that I spent so much on these gadgets.hihihi

I'm laughing now. And smiling. I feel free.

Dont worry. Minmin is super healthy. He is now almost 10kg.

I hope for my next baby, i will succeed to direct feed her and do not have to go through this journey again.