I miss ngerepaking

I have so many things to tell

so many things to share

so many Minmin's photo to document

But I got no time.

I'm tired.aaaaa

Blog, ya miss me?

3rd year of my professional life

16th January seems like a familiar date. Couldnt tell what till a friend posted a status on the facebook.

It marked the 3rd year of my professional life as an educator. Hehe

Time flies.

To compare me today to me 3 years ago, definitely different.

3 years ago, I was afraid to scold any student, I was scared they would hate me. Today, I couldnt care less. Because in the past years, I learnt that students dont really appreciate you no matter how nice you are.hahaha maybe because I'm teaching in all boys school so a bit different la. Girls naturally are more appreciative compared to boys. 

I get along well with colleagues. My colleagues is the main reason why I'm willing to travel 56km every day. Willing to get stuck at 17 traffic lights from my house to school. Willing to leave at 6am where others were still in bed.hehe All schools are generally the same, the students, the workload, the stress.But my colleagues make it manageable. But of course not everything is pretty about the school, still can handle.hehe

I plan to stay a few more years before looking for a school nearer to my house.Lemme grow professionally there as the school has so many opportunities for the students and teachers to grow. I'm so grateful.

My professional photo in the school magazine for 2013.bahahaha so kembang.hahaha

Here to many more great years!

Terrified mom

I'm terrified of great moms. Great moms make me feel small and inadequate. I read somewhere that this is a common feeling among first time moms but I hate feeling this way. I know I have so many things to learn, to do, to adjust but to Minmin, I'm the greatest mom he ever has.sob sob

Feeling a lil bit blues at this wee hour.haha just feel like pouring my thoughts.

There are many reasons why I hate being around great moms.

1. Min arrived through a window.haha I had a c-sec to bring him into this world. I've met or read somewhere that to some people, a c-sec mom isnt a real mom because we didnt experience 'the real pain' of giving birth. I know I can just bullshit the comment but it is still disturbing to me. Did you know that through out my pregnancy, I always had the hunch that I would not have normal delivery?hahaha I had great instincts when I was pregnant and this applied when I was delivering Min. wah bunyi Pizza hut delivery gitteewww. I started having it around 5months into pregnancy because Min was growing bigger that the normal size according to weeks.hahaha

 Growing so big even I takut to see this photo. No more for second baby. Second baby aims for normal delivery and go to gym.haha

2. Till today I still fail to make Min feeds directly from me. I tried and there were a few times where he would latch perfectly but any other time he refused.He's more comfortable with the bottles.boo hoo. This is one of the things that make me feel inadequate or secara kasarnya a failed mom. Although that's not the case at all but I feel handicapped. that's why Moms who constantly talk about breastfeeding terrify me. Even one Mom casually told me if I dont feed him directly, Min will grow up and not feeling the close connection to me. Sedih tau hati aku masa tu...and that's why I usually will stay away from this kind of moms.

My friend said her baby 'tergedik gedik' every time he saw the boobs, Min tergedik gedik nampak botol....tak jumpa gambar tergedik min, gambar tidur pun bolehla

3. I pump around 8 times per day and that makes me a cow.hahahah no la. that makes me a determined mom.My supply is just enough for Min and I dont have a fridge full of frozen breastmilk. and god knows how small I felt everytime moms upload their stocks for others to see. I understand the proud feeling having that much for your baby but it made me feel small. I left the breastfeeding support group on FB because of this. I dont think I need this group. I need exclusive pumping moms group.hahaha

This photo is my reminder, where my EP journey started. For a month I pumped for 2hours and only got 1oz for every session and I dont know what pushed me till I'm able to satisfy Min's tummy today. KLMJ betul.haha

Although there were moments I felt like a small, handicapped, inadequate mom, Allah is afterall fair. I'm surrounded with people although not many, but enough to keep me sane and remind me that motherhood is not a competition. Motherhood is not a place to display your effort raising your kids. Motherhood is an amanah.

My colleagues are very supportive and open minded. One of them till now is still breastfeeding her 11 month old baby and never once makes me feel bad. She constantly remind me that the milk is from God. Do what you can to give Min the best but it's still up to Him. She also advices me to set short term goal in my journey just to be realistic. So for now, my short term goal is to exclusively pumping till Min is 6 months old.tee heee.

Another wonderful person is this mommy. She has  milk full in her deep fridge and offer some for Min. I am touched (you know who you are) because she's willing to help me. Like I said, my supply isnt much just enough for day to day use and it worries me in case I fell sick or has to go for courses.

And the last one, again I have to mention is my husband.almost 5 months into this journey, he is the best supported I could ever have. The one that keeps me motivated, keeps me sane and keeps me on this course of being a mother. I could tell him how I feel being this and that and he would listen attentively and told me everything will be okay. I dont know what I'll be without him. sobs

God bless all these people =)

eh dah kol 5.15am kauuuuuuuuuu.ok lah mak nak bersiap pegi keja. nak belek anak orang pulak.tee hee

Exhausted

It's the forth day of the week.And I dont feel like going to work at all.

I WANT TO SLEEP.

AAAAAAAAAA

My body is still adjusting to the working mommy + EP mom routine which resulted in a very exhausted mommy.

I dont know where should I start to explain my routine.haha because it's endless.lemme try la okeh.

4.30am: wake up, pump, getting ready to school, feed min if he's awake.

6.10am: drive to school.

6.55am- 2.40pm: Be in school.if there's meeting, extra co-cu than time should be longer.

2.50pm-3.45pm: driving home, pump in the car.

3.45pm:arrive home, Min is usually awake, I think he can sense me.hahah and he wants me right away.No rest.

3.45pm-7pm: play, feed,bath and get Min to sleep.

7pm-730pm: Probably still trying to put Min to bed.

7.30pm: Bath, pray, eat.

8pm: Pump sesh + lesson plan on the laptop

9-10pm: getting stuffs ready for tomorrow: Min's clothes, bottle, my school stuffs, iron baju

10pm: sleep

11pm: Usually Min wakes up to feed.

11.15pm: Another pumping sesh

12am: Sleep 

2pm:If Min is still sleeping, another pumping sesh. Then feed Min.

2.45pm: Sleep

4.30: The cycle repeats

This is basically just a guideline. It totally depends on how Min wants it to be.hahahhaha

I need a longer sleep time. I know but I have no choice since I have to express milk for Min especially at night. My pumping sesh has gone down from 8 times per day to around 5-6 times only.aaaaa and Min's appetite is getting bigger.hoho I'm sleepy and tired. I dozed off several times unintentionally while driving to and fro school especially at the traffic lights. 

Oh, did I mention that Min isnt well? He's not been sleeping well for almost a week now due to cough and flu. Brought him to see a doctor already. Just a normal cough and flu for baby. 

 

Sick but still happy and active.

aaaaa I vant to write more but it's 5.15am already.need to get ready to schoollllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Back to work

Yeay, finally I'm back at work after almost 5months.tee hee hee. No kidding, I'm actually super excited to kick ass back in school.haha The only drawback is to leave Min every morning. I guess Mommy's guilt will never go away, right?

Anyhoo, it's fun to be around colleague and students. After not seeing me for quite a period, I received mix reactions from them. Of course the most common one is I look slim now. ehem!hahaha But some reactions were a bit too much, not in a negative way just they were shock to see me in my current state. Korek2 rupanya according to them I expanded well when I was pregnant.

Told them it's normal la to expand but because of my small built, I looked super heyugge when I was still baking a baby. So I dug out old pictures of me. Lucky that I kept my growing belly photos till I popped. hehe

Kid you not even I frowned and thought 'Did I really expand that big? How's that even possible?"

During 38th ++ week

*JAW DROPS*

Seriously????? Aku sendiri takut tengok @.@

Me not-s0- now. When I was around 55kg. Now I'm 49. ehem.hahahaha

phewwww~~

For my next pregnancy, I vow to eat well. No more binge eating.hahaha coz I think I'm lucky to bounce back to near normal shape effortlessly. Might not be so lucky next time.

My 2013 at a glance

This is a cliched post. Everyone else is doing it so I wanna too.

Soo, how's my 2013?

January

Went to Terengganu with the whole family

February

MUET Examiner for the first time.

Found out then-baby A's gender. Can you spot the bulge?tee hee hee

March

Went to Seoul, Koreaaaaaa

April

Nothing much. Grew bigger.haha

May

First Wedding Anniversary

June

Bestfriend's Wedding and a big birthday gift

July

Survived fasting month. Full yo!

August

Raya-ing in Melaka

The arrival of Abdul Muhaimin. Tsskkkk!

September

I hate confinement period. The most stressful moment in my life. Luckily I survived Woot!

October

Bintulu

November

Feeling more of myself

December

Brunei trip though no Brunei landmark photo.haha

Basically 2013 was the time I grew from a lady to a mother. Took me hours to read back all the posts in 2013. Gosh, I was a bitch, a saint, a monster, a Nurul.haha roller coaster ride that is 2013.

I expanded well too. Gained 22kg, now still waiting another 4kg to shed off effortlessly.hahaha

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