Terrified mom

I'm terrified of great moms. Great moms make me feel small and inadequate. I read somewhere that this is a common feeling among first time moms but I hate feeling this way. I know I have so many things to learn, to do, to adjust but to Minmin, I'm the greatest mom he ever has.sob sob

Feeling a lil bit blues at this wee hour.haha just feel like pouring my thoughts.

There are many reasons why I hate being around great moms.

1. Min arrived through a window.haha I had a c-sec to bring him into this world. I've met or read somewhere that to some people, a c-sec mom isnt a real mom because we didnt experience 'the real pain' of giving birth. I know I can just bullshit the comment but it is still disturbing to me. Did you know that through out my pregnancy, I always had the hunch that I would not have normal delivery?hahaha I had great instincts when I was pregnant and this applied when I was delivering Min. wah bunyi Pizza hut delivery gitteewww. I started having it around 5months into pregnancy because Min was growing bigger that the normal size according to weeks.hahaha

 Growing so big even I takut to see this photo. No more for second baby. Second baby aims for normal delivery and go to gym.haha

2. Till today I still fail to make Min feeds directly from me. I tried and there were a few times where he would latch perfectly but any other time he refused.He's more comfortable with the bottles.boo hoo. This is one of the things that make me feel inadequate or secara kasarnya a failed mom. Although that's not the case at all but I feel handicapped. that's why Moms who constantly talk about breastfeeding terrify me. Even one Mom casually told me if I dont feed him directly, Min will grow up and not feeling the close connection to me. Sedih tau hati aku masa tu...and that's why I usually will stay away from this kind of moms.

My friend said her baby 'tergedik gedik' every time he saw the boobs, Min tergedik gedik nampak botol....tak jumpa gambar tergedik min, gambar tidur pun bolehla

3. I pump around 8 times per day and that makes me a cow.hahahah no la. that makes me a determined mom.My supply is just enough for Min and I dont have a fridge full of frozen breastmilk. and god knows how small I felt everytime moms upload their stocks for others to see. I understand the proud feeling having that much for your baby but it made me feel small. I left the breastfeeding support group on FB because of this. I dont think I need this group. I need exclusive pumping moms group.hahaha

This photo is my reminder, where my EP journey started. For a month I pumped for 2hours and only got 1oz for every session and I dont know what pushed me till I'm able to satisfy Min's tummy today. KLMJ betul.haha

Although there were moments I felt like a small, handicapped, inadequate mom, Allah is afterall fair. I'm surrounded with people although not many, but enough to keep me sane and remind me that motherhood is not a competition. Motherhood is not a place to display your effort raising your kids. Motherhood is an amanah.

My colleagues are very supportive and open minded. One of them till now is still breastfeeding her 11 month old baby and never once makes me feel bad. She constantly remind me that the milk is from God. Do what you can to give Min the best but it's still up to Him. She also advices me to set short term goal in my journey just to be realistic. So for now, my short term goal is to exclusively pumping till Min is 6 months old.tee heee.

Another wonderful person is this mommy. She has  milk full in her deep fridge and offer some for Min. I am touched (you know who you are) because she's willing to help me. Like I said, my supply isnt much just enough for day to day use and it worries me in case I fell sick or has to go for courses.

And the last one, again I have to mention is my husband.almost 5 months into this journey, he is the best supported I could ever have. The one that keeps me motivated, keeps me sane and keeps me on this course of being a mother. I could tell him how I feel being this and that and he would listen attentively and told me everything will be okay. I dont know what I'll be without him. sobs

God bless all these people =)

eh dah kol 5.15am kauuuuuuuuuu.ok lah mak nak bersiap pegi keja. nak belek anak orang pulak.tee hee