Tuesday, December 11, 2012


If you happened to read my stupid post yesterday, I'm truly sorry. I wasnt thinking. I was emotional. Too many bad feelings mixed at the same time, same day. It was a stupid post. It was even stupider to curse at people. People make mistake. I made mistake. We all need a second chance.

B has gone back to Bintulu. It has been a long time since I feel like what I feel now. Lost, lonely, sensitive and a bit angry. We are uncertain. Every time we received some good news, it would be followed with endless waiting. Ya Allah!

After this meeting, B and I are not sure when we would see each other again. We dont want to buy any flight tickets in near future coz things might change 180' in days ahead. We cant afford to waste any moolah for our March trip. This thing makes me sad. 

I feel hopeless. I seldom feel like this because I constantly remind myself to be strong as good things are waiting. But I did fell sometimes. and now is one of it. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want to be angry. But I dont know to whom.

It sucks also to see everyone is happy but it's their part of rezeki. They might have fought their own battles before and found their happy ending. I am happy. Happily married with the man of my life. Our biggest obstacle comes after we got married. And all the fights we had when were dating were super stupid. Real challenge starts when you fight to keep things where they belong, not to go overboard, and to remember the heaven is not in the parents' hands anymore.

It is also painful because I dont share things with people. All I got is Allah and B. People did ask and it stopped there because I dont think people understand. I have never offered other than casual things. I have never shared how I felt. Oh right, I have my blog too. But even so I dont feel pouring everything because I know there are more individuals with bigger obstacles than me. Mine could be as big as an ant and others could be as big as a galaxy. Shit, Typing this while Adam and Hawa is playing makes me super emo. haha cun2 ada part Azie said 'Mungkin ada tersimpan hikmah yang kita belum tau lagi'...

My motivation is fucked up. I need to work so I can stop my wandering mind. January, can you please speed up and arrive quickly? I need to be stress about work, not personal matter. =(

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