Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Self worth

At the moment, my self worth has gone down to almost zero because I'm unemployed. I feel like I'm worthless to my family and most important thing to myself. that's the most devastating facts that I have to live for till the call arrives.

Beginning of Season 4 of How I Met Your Mother, I watched how Marshall struggled to get a job, to find reason to put on pants every morning. While watching that, I laughed at his silliness. And now, while this happening to me, I dont have any power to laugh at myself anymore. I am just worthless.

Last year my dad told me something, an advice that father not usually tells his child but damn true. He said: Money is not everything but money gives you confidence.

Now how many of you agree with this? it was one of the reason why my dad transferred to Brunei last time, because of money. not primarily but that reason still stands.

Nowadays, when I hang out with cousins, my self confidence is being peeled layer by layer. when we sat and talked, the topic of discussion would always be about workplace, colleague, salary, life. And I have none. the worst part is I used B's as my shield, I talked about his workplace etc. I know I'm that pathetic.

Sometimes reading tweets from cousins about their work made me feel like deactivating my tweeter account.

Without a job, I have no power over myself. I have no right to say no to people. and I have zero reason to shop. I have no say in discussing my wedding. I have no in most of the deals la~

I want to feel confident again. I want to feel like I'm worth more than just a bibik at home. I want to feel in control.

B and I did talk about postponing our date for wedding. I thought of doing it end of next year but B is against the idea. I have soooo many plans for my own wedding but because I'm lagging like 2 months of working, so far I have to scratch few things from the list. If this continue, I might want to get married at Jabatan Agama je noks!

I can complain, whine all I want but it wont change a thing. Plus, some people is in more tense condition than me. Like my friend Leen, she's expecting a baby in early October. She;s gonna need all the money in the world, like PRONTO!

Ok la. Bulan Puasa. Banyakkan doa. Banyakkan solat. Banyakkan berQuran. InsyaAllah rezeki itu datang.

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